The Serial Dater's Shopping List (novel)

** HOLD THE FRONT PAGE! TSDSL NOW HAS A BOOK TRAILER

AND HAS BEEN FEATURED ON FEMALE FIRST!:) **

Yes, I’m finally doing something with the novels. I’ve written four and a bit, currently writing my sixth for NaNoWriMo 2012. The ‘bit’ by the way is a conversion of a 102-page script I wrote for the now-defunct Script Frenzy back in April 2010.

The first one which has now gone live is my 101K chick lit, The Serial Dater’s Shopping List. Here’s the tagline and synopsis:

• 31 men in 31 days – what could possibly go wrong?
• Isobel MacFarlane is a recently-turned-40 journalist who usually writes a technology column for a newspaper based in Northampton, England, but her somewhat-intimidating boss, William, has set her the task of meeting 31 men, via a local internet dating site, all within a month. Having an active, though fruitless, social life with her friend and ‘Health & Beauty’ colleague Donna, she knows what she wants in a man, so creates a shopping list of dos and don’ts, and starts ticking them off as she meets Mr Could Be Right Except For, Mr Not Bad, Mr Oh My Goodness and Mr Oh So Very Wrong. Follow the ups (there are a few) and downs (there are many) of the dating process and intertwined with her experiences, get to know her colleague and family, including her niece Lola who, apart from being an amazing storyteller, can eat ambidextrously whilst wearing a Princess glove puppet on her right hand, and Baby, William’s non-too-healthy African Grey parrot.

It’s now available on Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.com, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, Sony and Goodreads (and will be on iTunes, B&N etc. shortly).

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Below is an extract from Chapter 2 (where she meets Tim the ‘Weeble’)…

We sit in a booth and I start to relax. It’s all going swimmingly until he belches. I anticipate the customary apology, but it looks like I won’t be holding my breath, which is a shame as I really wished I had.

Next is the arrival of a huge ‘share’ mixed platter. Having placed the plate in the middle of the table, the waitress returns with two sets of cutlery and two serviettes, which she places, on our left-hand sides.

I stare at the meal, then at Tim and say, “I didn’t realise we were eating. I’ve already…”

“Oh, no,” he interjects, “I ordered this before you arrived,” which is fairly obvious as he’d not ordered it after.

“I’ve already eaten,” I say, finishing my previously-planned statement.

“So have I,” he says, “but my stomach rumbled while waiting for you, so I didn’t think you’d mind.”

I’m not sure how he would have heard, or felt, any rumbling, but I nod politely as he tucks into his ‘snack’.

The whole experience is quite enlightening. Firstly, I’ve never seen anyone eat so quickly, maybe with the exception of Chinese people eating rice with chopsticks, but they’re a hundred… no, a thousand times more elegant. Secondly, between bites, but not before masticating the chicken wings and mini sweetcorn cobs, he takes another extra-large (this man doesn’t do anything in a smaller size) swig of his tankard (how old did he say he was?). I look at his huge right-arm lifting up the mini-keg and start comparing his bicep size with that of my right thigh, which is bigger than my left, having spent years of step aerobics, right being my predominant foot.

I watch his arms compete with each other as they fight for access to his mouth and I look around the bar. No one appears to be watching other than me and for that I’m grateful, but then I remember this is his local and they’ve probably seen it a hundred times before.

With his mouth full of, I sadly know exactly what, he says, “This seems rather unfair. Did you want some of this?” He points down at the plate, there isn’t much ‘this’ to be had. The wings are bones and the dishevelled cobs totally devoid of corn. The stuffed mushrooms and onion rings were the first things to go and are remembered only by the presence of a few breadcrumbs. They would have been my first choices. This may be one thing, perhaps the only thing, Tim and I have in common, other than we’re both human, though at the moment I’m debating that too. There are a couple of potato skins, which I normally adore, but they look rather greasy. I’m pretty sure though that even a Banoffee pie (my favourite food ever; something I would not only die for, but kill for) would be equally unappetising when sitting in front of Tim.

I shake my head, attempt a smile and watch him clear the plate. Finally, he picks up the chicken bones and I expect him to eat them whole, but he just licks them clean and drops them back on the plate. He issues another belch, this time apologising as he realises it was loud enough to draw attention to himself, as if the devouring of an African family’s monthly intake wasn’t bad enough.

Throughout the whole episode, there’s not been a word of proper chat between us. He’s been too busy eating and I’ve been concentrating on keeping my hotpot down.

As the last morsel of food disappears into the black hole, the waitress heads for our table, I assume to clear the platter away, but she’s holding a plate above her left shoulder. I’m relieved it’s not big enough to be another meal for two, although I wouldn’t put it past him, but more like a standard sized dinner plate. I will it to be nothing I would normally eat, but am sorely disappointed as laid before me is a double helping of, the waitress announces, “homemade Banoffee pie”. I could cry.

I smile less than half-heartedly at the waitress who looks sympathetically at me before retreating to the kitchen, I assume to gossip about Table 14.

At the thought of the beautiful dessert being dismembered in such a way, I look at Tim’s eyebrows. I can’t bear to look any further down as his nose is running and it’s close to meeting the barbecue sauce on his upper lip. I’ve finally had enough and blurt out, “I’m sorry, but I’ve just remembered I’ve left my oven on.” But then I recall Duncan’s battle to lose weight and feel guilty, until Tim’s mouth gapes open revealing a mixture of toffee syrup and pastry, which threaten to spill over the edge like a coin cascade at a fair, and I can’t bear to look at him anymore.

As I get up to leave, he splutters a, “so, do you want to meet again?” and I don’t know what to say without hurting his feelings. I mumble a non-committal, “I’ll message you” and almost do a Usain-Bolt-sprint down the stairs.

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Reviews of ‘The Serial Dater’s Shopping List’:

• Amazon.com: 5* “i really enjoyed this one. Ms Bailey writes an engaging, sometimes laugh out loud funny story, with wonderful characters. If you read this and don’t see a bit of yourself or someone you’ve dated in it, you need to read it again. Well worth the read, from a wonderful author.”
• Amazon.co.uk: 5* same as above
• Amazon.co.uk: 5* “I thought this book was a really good easy read, very funny in places, with great descriptions of the dates. It is perfect for winding down after a hard day. I would certainly read more by this author.”
• Amazon.co.uk: 5* “This book is good fun – a well written chick lit novel that will really make you laugh. Loved Morgen Bailey’s style and sense of humour.”
• Amazon.co.uk: 5* “This is a truly delightful and very funny novel about what women look for in a man, about friendship, and about how it is possible to exist on very little sleep and a diet of alcohol and ice cream when you are really busy. We follow our heroine Izzy as she embarks on a series of dates (all in the line of duty for her job as a journalist) and meets a host of frogs in her quest to find Prince Charming. Her best friend Donna and her long suffering boss William give her plenty to think about too and in the end…but no, I won’t spoil it for you. Just believe me when I tell you that the tale of Izzy and her suitors is like a lovely box of chocolates – you will meet some hard centres and lots of gooey ones, you won’t like them all (a few of them are a bit weird), but some are very tasty indeed. You will want to keep on dipping into the box until you have devoured the lot. Take this essential shopping list with you on every date – every little helps!”
• Amazon.com: 5* (same as above except… “This is a truly delightful and very funny novel… devoured the lot. Morgen Bailey has written a shopping list that everyone will want to read.”
• Alana Woods’s site (which she put on Amazon and many other networks): 4* ”

  The book’s sub-title is 31 men in 31 days—what could possibly go wrong? and then we dive straight into an often very funny, often very insightful look at exactly what can go wrong, or right, about online dating.

  While it would definitely appeal to Bridget Jones’ fans THE SERIAL DATER’S SHOPPING LIST actually tells a better story, one where the main protagonist, Isobel MacFarlane, or Izzy Mac to her friends, is not a journalist desperate to find a man, although she is a journalist. She writes the technology column on a Northamptonshire UK newspaper. The story opens with Izzy just having been given an assignment of a different kind—to join an online dating service and, pretending to be a secretary, date a man a day for a month and write an article about each date. With loose-lipped colleague and friend Donna party to the intrigue keeping her identity secret sometimes takes effort.

  The story is written in first person present tense and Bailey handles it well, keeping the pace moving and keeping it entertaining.

  I liked the descriptive narrative, such things as ‘ … Tea shoots up both nostrils, which isn’t pleasant but clears the blockage nicely’. That and many more had me wondering if Bailey is writing much from life and if she actually took on this assignment in the interests of making it come across as real, because it has the ring of authenticity. I was smiling often and even breaking into a grin with some of the dates, and I don’t do that often.

  The story is interspersed with a well-rounded drawing in of the lives of work colleagues, friends and family—a necessary diversion away from the 31 dates which, as an unbroken litany, could otherwise have become boring even though well told.

  This is quality chicklit. The story and characters kept my interest, the writing is polished. My one criticism is the use of whilst, not once but often. I’m Australian and such spellings haven’t been common here for years. We go for the simpler while, among, program etc. If I’m being unfair I apologise but after the first couple it annoyed me.

  That aside this was a very entertaining read.

  And in spite of not really looking, does Izzy actually meet a man she’d like to take home?

  “

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Before the book went live, I designed the following covers and put a shout-out for feedback…

      
….OPTION 1…………OPTION 2a………..OPTION 2b………..OPTION 3…..

      
….OPTION 4………..OPTION 5a………..OPTION 5b………..OPTION 5c…..

Given feedback here and on Facebook, it was whittled down to…

    

and the winner was…

Thank you everyone. x

Morgen
(with an e)

PS… Jane put me on to Novel Rank.com and apparently this novel is ranked 8,663 on Amazon.co.uk!