8 responses to “Red pen session 014 – critique of Agoraphobia, a short story by Kerry Dwyer

  1. Yvonne Hertzberger

    January 13, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    I have volunteered at an incoming call distress centre and found the description of the calls and rules to be dead on. Great build-up and the ending was a real wow. I also liked the stream of consciousness conversational tone, so the repititions did not bother me.

  2. morgenbailey

    January 13, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    Thank you, Yvonne. It did seem very realistic so glad you confirmed that. I’m rather OCD re. repetition and it is easier to get away with more in dialogue / monologue. 🙂

  3. Kerry Dwyer

    January 13, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Thank you Yvonne. A friend of my father’s was with the Samaritans for nearly fifty years. I sent him the original draft and he helped me to correct a few things before finalisation. I also consulted a clinical psychologist about agoraphobia. I wanted to get my facts right. I am glad that you like my story.
    Thank you Morgen for this analysis. I will re read it and take in each point more thoroughly. The point about commas before ‘but’ has been made before about my writing. Evidently it is something I should pay attention to. 🙂

  4. morgenbailey

    January 13, 2013 at 10:18 pm

    You’re very welcome, Kerry. I’m certainly more conscious of commas since Rachel pointed that out to me. I tend to read everything ‘out loud’ in my head even if not out loud ‘out loud’… the dog knows by now that I’m mad…

  5. Rosse Mary Boehm

    January 14, 2013 at 12:31 am

    With Morgen here. She’s the one who goes through it with care. I don’t have to do that again. The story is great. I didn’t care too much for some of the ‘sees’ because they started to become a bit annoying. But the colloquial tone is good. It’s a simple woman recalling an extraordinary story. Terrific ending. Well done.

    • Kerry Dwyer

      January 14, 2013 at 7:06 am

      I agree Rosse Mary, Morgen has certainly taken care. Thank you for commenting and I am so pleased that you like it.

  6. Kerry Dwyer

    January 16, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Thank you all for liking and commenting on this post.

    Morgen, thank you for this incredibly detailed critique. It will be invaluable for rewrites and future projects. There are only 2 comments that I disagree with.:-

    1. The use of of “died” within a sentence containing the word “would”. I believe this is correct, the grammar guru at my school does too.

    2. You said that I had split an infinitive in the sentence with ‘put my listening face on’. I didn’t use an infinitive, so I didn’t split it. The infinitive form of “put” is, of course, “to put”. “To put on” is a phrasal verb that can be split. I can put my coat on or put on my coat, both are correct.


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