Double entendres – the power of words

Emails from my editor, Rachel, usually mean work so I was especially delighted to receive the following (sensitive eyes please look away)…

Sentences in letters written to UK Housing Associations
1. It’s the dogs’ mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third. So please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

If you see an advert below this text it’s appeared of its own accord – nothing to do with me and I’m not getting paid for it! Apologies if it’s annoying (although at the moment it’s The Adjustment Bureau which actually was a very good film) but I’ve only just found out that WordPress put these things on from time to time to “pay the bils” which is fair enough because so many blogs (including this one) are free for the blog owner to run. If I see them popping up too often then I’ll look into paying to get them removed. Thank you for visiting this page and my site and I hope you enjoy exploring it.

5 thoughts on “Double entendres – the power of words

  1. morgenbailey says:

    You’re so welcome. I have another one about a divorcing couple battling over their dog, unfortunately (or fortunately for us) named ‘Sex’. It’s hilarious but on paper only and buried somewhere so will have to dig it out and either scan it in or retype and email it to you. I received your blog interview files thank you… the photos are great. I’ll be in touch shortly.


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